Infertility, PCOS, and Miscarriages

My journey started when I was 17 years of age. I presented to the doctor with some complaints. All I got was a shrug and a “Oh yea that might be a problem when you try to get pregnant..” and that was that. Being 17 I didn’t yet have the knowledge to advocate for myself and push for testing. I just always had the nagging feeling that I wouldn't be able to have kids.

Fast forward to marrying the love of my life, and two years later I got my very first positive pregnancy test. We weren’t even trying! I excitedly announced to my husband and we were so overjoyed! Maybe I didn't have those problems that I thought I did?! At 6 weeks gestation I rushed to the hospital as I was bleeding and so sure I was miscarrying. See, I knew deep down I couldn’t do this. The most beautiful words I will always remember is the technician saying “yep there’s the heartbeat!” and I got to see my baby for the very first time. Alive and well. We welcomed a precious baby girl 8 months later (with a few bumps in the road) and we were off as a family of 3. I do not take this fortune for granted and I realize how blessed we were with her.

Nearly 1.5 years later we surprisingly were pregnant yet again. I found out at 8 weeks. How easy and lucky are we to have 2 out of 2 pregnancies without even trying!

On Feb 5, 2023 at 10 weeks gestation I started to miscarry. How my whole world broke. This was suppose to be easy! What happened? The day I miscarried I walked into my midwife clinic where they told me the unfortunate news that they couldn’t find the heartbeat. They told me not to worry as it was still early.. but I knew. I knew the baby was gone. I left the clinic in a whole new world. I spent the next couple weeks in a haze as I delivered my baby at home and leapt into this club that no one ever wants to be in. I was angry at myself for letting this happen. Just a month earlier it was Christmas. I decided out of responsibility I would take a pregnancy test to make sure I wasn't pregnant before having a drink or two during holiday festivities. It was negative, not that I expected anything more, and tossed it. I then had some drinks for New Years and my sisters birthday which followed shortly after. At the 8 week mark is when I realized I was pregnant. The test I took at Christmas was unfortunately just a day or two shy of a positive result. I blamed myself for this. For losing my baby because of those drinks. Would the baby still be here had I taken that initial test just a day later? Everywhere I look tells me that it wasn't my fault, but I still have days that I'm not so sure. That's the thing with grief, it's a never-ending wave that ebbs and flows.

All of a sudden I found some amazing women who had walked this journey before me, and they too shared their experiences to me. This club suddenly opened up from a lonely population of just me to many, many women secretly sharing their “I’ve had a miscarriage too” stories. There I found some lifelong friends that I will forever be grateful for. Their love and support got me through the foggy days as I no longer felt that I was the only one in this boat. Along with my wonderful, nearly 2-year-old baby girl. She was my brightest ray of sunshine on my rainiest of days and I will never take that for granted. I hope she knows how beautiful she was and aways will be to my life.

After I physically recovered, I wanted to start trying right away to make up for that lost time. This was when I was hurled into the world of infertility. Month after month we had negative test after test. What on earth was going on? I scheduled many appointments with my doctor who sent me for a pity-test to please my complaining. She assured me all my bloodwork was normal. Again, I went back to the doctor complaining. A very kind nurse practitioner took me aside and told me about a fertility doctor an hour away that a previous client had success with. That advice went on my back burner.

Finally, July 2023 came and we got a positive pregnancy test. I was over the moon excited, this has got to be it. All the milestones of what should’ve been my pregnancy kept coming and going which made me even more depressed that we still were not pregnant. I had been angry- we should’ve been 7 months pregnant at that point. We should’ve been transitioning our toddler to a big girl bed so we could prepare a new nursery. But we had nothing. So alas, I excitedly announced to my husband and already began mentally preparing for this next due date. A day later, I started miscarrying yet again. A chemical pregnancy they call it. Just like that, I was hurled back into my dark days mourning this baby I would never get to know here on earth. With enough anger in my grief (which I’ve now come to learn is completely normal) I was desperate to find someone to help me! So I decided to take it into my own hands and start on the hunt with Dr. Google! I remembered the doctor the nurse practitioner mentioned a few months back and thankfully I found that he accepts self referrals. Hallelujah! I didn’t need my doctor (who had been very unhelpful) to refer me. I could skip right past them and go straight to this fertility doctor. Only problem was, he was an hour away, but as desperate as I was I knew I would make it work. I called and straight away they had me booked for 5 weeks out. This seemed like a breeze compared to the nearly 1 year wait time for the specialist in my city.

Finally, I saw my new fertility doctor and we spent the first month going through many tests to figure out what was wrong. He finally found the dilemma and diagnosed me with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Unfortunately, I had lots of cysts on my ovaries that were preventing me from conceiving. The next month things went astray when the clinic messed up and never prescribed me medications to prevent the cysts. I had bent over backwards, sometimes a couple times a week, to drop my toddler off at daycare ultra early or with family in order to drive an hour, complete my appointment, drive an hour back, and still make it back to work for 8:30am. I was quite disheartened to learn from the doctor that this month was all in vain. Quite literally once he found out I wasn't on any medication he said “you’re not on medication?? Why are we even doing this then?” As if it was my problem that they never communicated with me what the plan was. All those early monitoring appointments, and needle poking were all a waste of time and gas. A whole month gone and wasted with no chance of getting pregnant.

November 2023 finally came and with my next cycle I was put on Letrozol to prevent my cysts. I had a trigger shot prescribed, but unfortunately no specialty pharmacy could accommodate that request on such short notice as they did not keep this specific hormone on hand because it was so expensive. I was so frustrated thinking our chances were blown yet again. By the grace of God, our Letrozol worked and the Dr was very happy with how things were looking. Two weeks later we got that positive pregnancy test we longed for. With much hesitation and fear this time around, I was prescribed to take progesterone and aspirin for the next 12 weeks to help out my body keep up this pregnancy.

Pregnancy after loss is a wild, unfair ride. It takes away all the joy out of what should be an exciting time. The fear you feel every single time you go to the bathroom crippled me. Any pain or twinge I felt, I automatically would assume the worse. Every ultrasound (and there were lots in those early weeks) where I mentally prepared my heart to hear no heartbeart. We decided to announce this pregnancy as early as 4 weeks gestation as we wanted this baby to be loved and celebrated with so much joy and support no matter where this road would take us. We didn’t want to do another loss announcement. We wanted family and friends to celebrate with us, however short this life may be. The first trimester was the absolute worst, it stretched me thin and the fear surrounded me. As days passed and we made it past each milestone I was able to breathe a bit lighter and start enjoying all the little kicks and movements. Viability week passed and I started to plan for our newest little joy with a bit more ease. I still had lots of fear that would come and go. Ultimately, the support I received from friends who went through the same thing was what got me through those three trimesters. I owe them so much. All the messages they would receive from me expressing my worry, was often met with “yes, I completely understand” hearing their stories and what helped them through their grief/pregnancy after loss was what got me through. I will forever be grateful for their love and support. What felt like an eternity later, we welcomed another beautiful baby girl into the world. Our little rainbow baby was finally here and the fog was lifted. We named her with the meaning of “our answered prayer” as the Lord heard our cries. I know He’s carrying our other two in His hands and quite honestly, I can’t imagine a better place for them. How I long to run past the golden gates of Heaven and hear their laughter. One day I know we’ll be reunited, but for now I’m forever grateful and thankful for the two I’m blessed with down here. I aim to be the best mom I can for them, and to be a loving hand for other dear mamas facing all the challenges that come with motherhood.

And that is why I started Made for Mama. The support system that I relied on was instrumental in my healing and my journey. I want every mom to know how loved and cared for they are. Motherhood is HARD. Pregnancy, postpartum (don’t even get me started on that one), infertility and loss - it’s all unseen what we go through for our children and all that’s unseen by the world. It wasn’t until I embarked on this journey that I realized the astounding amount of moms that secretly walked this road. I want to be your support system, lifting you up in this journey no matter where you are. It’s often a lonely road to walk, and I want you to know that you are not alone in this boat. There’s a whole wide world of women who know just how you feel and what you’re going through. You are not alone, and you and your babies are very, very loved.